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Post by pinkprincess on Jan 17, 2007 12:50:40 GMT
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
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Post by stacey on Jan 19, 2007 12:37:38 GMT
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
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Post by pinkprincess on Jan 19, 2007 12:53:20 GMT
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
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Post by carrickmac on Jan 19, 2007 17:32:15 GMT
A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.   |
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Post by odm on Jan 20, 2007 0:59:13 GMT
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Post by odm on Jan 20, 2007 15:55:34 GMT
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Post by carrickmac on Jan 20, 2007 20:19:47 GMT
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, but there was an old guy who knew how to handle it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room.
As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied,
"You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't p**s out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter
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Post by carrickmac on Jan 20, 2007 20:25:56 GMT
TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
Logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
Go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM:Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?!
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would end differently
I'll pray for you!
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Post by carrickmac on Jan 20, 2007 20:34:59 GMT
Cardiologist Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...
I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
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Post by carrickmac on Jan 20, 2007 20:42:38 GMT
;D The Bathtub Test -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental hospital, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." .................................................. ........................................ .................................................. ......................................... .................................................. ......................................... "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? |
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*~faker 1127~*{=}http://i85.photobucket.com/albums/k46/Bluebellberries/Talkative.gif{/=}
