Jokes

[Angie]

sorry it's in caps -don't know how to change it

A LESSON TO BE LEARNED FROM TYPING THE WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS.

A MINNEAPOLIS COUPLE DECIDED TO GO TO FLORIDA TO THAW OUT DURING A
PARTICULARLY ICY WINTER. THEY PLANNED TO STAY AT THE SAME HOTEL WHERE
THEY
SPENT THEIR HONEYMOON 20 YEARS EARLIER. BECAUSE OF HECTIC SCHEDULES, IT
WAS
DIFFICULT TO COORDINATE THEIR TRAVEL SCHEDULES.

SO, THE HUSBAND LEFT MINNESOTA AND FLEW TO FLORIDA ON THURSDAY,
WITH HIS WIFE FLYING DOWN THE FOLLOWING DAY. THE HUSBAND CHECKED INTO
THE
HOTEL.

THERE WAS A COMPUTER IN HIS ROOM, SO HE DECIDED TO SEND AN EMAIL
TO HIS WIFE.

HOWEVER, HE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT OUT ONE LETTER IN HER EMAIL ADDRESS, AND
WITHOUT REALIZING HIS ERROR, SENT THE EMAIL.

MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE IN HOUSTON, A WIDOW HAD JUST RETURNED HOME
FROM HER HUSBAND'S FUNERAL. HE WAS A MINISTER WHO WAS CALLED
HOME TO GLORY FOLLOWING A HEART ATTACK. THE WIDOW DECIDED TO
CHECK HER EMAIL EXPECTING MESSAGES FROM RELATIVES AND FRIENDS.
AFTER READING THE FIRST MESSAGE, SHE SCREAMED AND FAINTED.
THE WIDOW'S SON RUSHED INTO THE ROOM, FOUND HIS MOTHER ON THE
FLOOR, AND SAW THE COMPUTER SCREEN WHICH READ:


TO: MY LOVING WIFE

SUBJECT: I'VE ARRIVED

DATE: OCTOBER 16TH 2004

I KNOW YOU'RE SURPRISED TO HEAR FROM ME. THEY HAVE COMPUTERS
HERE NOW AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SEND EMAILS TO YOUR LOVED ONES.
I'VE JUST ARRIVED AND HAVE BEEN CHECKED IN. I SEE THAT EVERYTHING HAS
BEEN
PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU THEN.
HOPE YOUR JOURNEY IS AS UNEVENTFUL AS MINE WAS.

P.S. SURE IS FREAKING HOT DOWN HERE!!!!!

[Angie]

Three Women -- One German, One Japanese and a Redneck were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

"that was my pager," She said. " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, She explained,
"that Was My mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."


The Redneck woman felt decidedly low tech. So not to be outdone,She decided she had to do something just as impressive. She left the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She Returned 3 minutes later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The Redneck Woman Said, "OOoooooo, would you look At That.............





I'm getting a fax."

[Angie]

Subject: FW: GREAT BRITAIN


One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A massive
543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars.
And finally In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.
RULE BRITANNIA!

[Admin]

[Angie]

The power of the written word.



Power of "R"



A new young monk arrives at the monastery and, as with all new monks, he is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.



So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son."



So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. The young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees the abbot banging his head against the wall, wailing………. "We forgot the "R"! We forgot the "R"! His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.



The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies……



"The word is celebrate! The word is celebrate!"

[Angie]

not a joke but try it anyway. Best to do each bit as it comes along and no scrolling to the bottom [you may want a pen and bit paper first - oh and maybe a calculator ]

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE

1) First of all, pick the number of times a week you would like to have chocolate [more than once but less than 10]

2) Multiply this number by 2

3) Add 5

4) Multiply it by 50 [ might be an idea to get the calculator now]

5) If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756...if you haven't add 1755

6) Now subtract the four digit year you were born

you should now have a three digit number

The first digit of this number is the amount of times you really want to eat chocolate in a week

The next two numbers are...

YOUR AGE

[6alives]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
>>>>
>>>> A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
>>>> car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
>>>> blonde.
>>>>
>>>> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
>>>> through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
>>>> "What does it
>>>>
>>>> look like? she finally asked.
>>>>
>>>> The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on
>>>> it."
>>>>
>>>> The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
>>>> and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
>>>>
>>>> The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
>>>> saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop"

[Angie]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[Angie]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife

[6alives]

you need to do this its FUNNY!!!

The real meaning of failure!!

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Type in Failure

3. Look at the first listing that comes up

4. Tell other people before Google fixes it !!