Fakers joke thread

[pinkprincess]

I think I should get into my straight jacket now

[pinkprincess]

Two blokes are sitting at a bar. While they're drinking, another man walks in and goes to the toilet. One of the blokes says to the other 'I haven't seen him in here before, but he looks quite rich. What do you think he does for a living? I reckon he's a lawyer.' The other bloke replies 'no, he looks more like a doctor to me. I'll tell you what, I'll go in the toilet and ask him.

So, the bloke goes in the toilet, goes to the urinal next to the stranger and starts to pee.

'Sorry, but I haven't seen you in here before, and me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'

The stranger says,' Im a logical scientist.'

'What's that?'

'I'll give you an example. Do you have a goldfish?'

'Yeah'

'Do you keep it in a bowl or a pond?'

'A pond'

'Ok, so you've got a big garden then?'

'Yes'

'So, you've probably got a big house as well then, probably about 4 or 5 bedrroms?'

'Yep, 4 bedrooms'

'So you've got a wife and a couple of kids then?'

'Yeah, 3 kids'

'If you've got 3 kids, you get on well with your wife then? I mean, you have sex quite a lot?'

'Yeah, I'd say we have sex quite often'

'So, you probably don't masturbate then?'

'Not really, no'

'So, from asking if you have a goldfish, I now know you have a big garden and house, 3 kids, you get on well with your wife, and you don't masurbate'

'Hey, that's pretty clever. Thanks very much'

The bloke goes back to his mate

'He's a logical scientist'

'What's that?'

'Well, I'll show you. Do you have a goldfish?'

'No'

'Well there you go then. You're a w****r'

[carrickmac]

;DLOOK HERE... www.dumbvideos.com/numanumadance.html

[carrickmac]

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom of walking behind the men that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The women looked Ms. Walters's straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman

[battybetty]

carrickmac said:

;DLOOK HERE... www.dumbvideos.com/numanumadance.html

LOL Whats wrong with that. Seems perfectly normal to me. Have you never done the same then.. or is it just me?

He's fab, in fact I think I love him. We can make beautiful duets together..

[battybetty]

Little b :-/it rude!

Application

I, the thingy, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labor
* I work at great depths
* I plunge head first into everything I do.
* I do not get weekends or holidays off.
* I work in damp environments
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures.
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

THE thingy

____________________________________________________

Dear thingy,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raise, the administration rejects you request for a raise for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight.
* You fall asleep after brief work periods.
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
* You do not take initiative.
* You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the necessary protective clothing.
* You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not enough, you are constantly seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.


Sincerely,

The Management

[carrickmac]

;DThere was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went
before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would
his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the
Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's
salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are
a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."

[carrickmac]

;D.....This ones a bit rude... Jack Schitt
The Lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someones says "You know Jack Schitt" Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt,Inc They had one son Jack

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
They produced four children named
Dipp Schitt, Holie Schit, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt
However after being married 15 years
Jack and Noe Schitt divorced
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and since her kids were living with her she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then knwn as Noe Schitt-Sherlock

Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.


Two of Noe's four children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt - Happens had four children named Dawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull

Bull left home to tour the world and returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt

So now when someone says "You dont know Jack Schitt" You can correct them
The family History was recorded by Crock O. Schitt ............................................................................................Blonde joke.... A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car

and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.


The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug


through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and


handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,

"Okay, you can go.


I didn't realize you were a cop."

[bluebellberries]

Just noticed this thread


An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The sleeper says: "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

14 reasons why diet coke is better than a man

1. When you swallow a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.

2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.

3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when you want it.

4. The first one won't get mad if you need another one tonight.

5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.

6. You can throw it in the bin when you're done.

7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.

8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about you.

9. You can do one in the car even while driving.

10. The aftertaste is certainly better.

11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.

12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.

13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.

14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.

[carrickmac]

Another blonde joke.. Now That’s Efficient!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast- talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

“Helllooooo"?!! (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up....
He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.
Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.